Relationships, Preferences, and Tension

I ended the last post in this series on the subject of preferences. If you all take a gander at this title, you will notice that love is no longer included, and for a good reason. Recall that I began to address a large 'grey-zone' group of relationships that may someday head toward a final breaking point. Recall also, the statistics of this group. Keep in mind that this isolated topic is far from descriptive of all relationships. When couples feel the brunt of individual preferences clashing, we are no longer addressing the premise of the concept of love. However, most of us tend to mesh all of these things together, and it becomes difficult to work with.

So, if we are no longer talking about love, what is it that we are addressing? The answer is the two individuals that make up the relationship. Although they share common needs, they usually have very different preferences in satisfying these needs. I mentioned this last time, but the repetition is important.

By the time these preference conflicts have culminated into an overall experience of relationship dissatisfaction, people end up feeling unloved, unwanted, and often times wish for an out from 'coupleness'.

Needs that go unsatisfied create tension within us. Many go to great lengths and behavior in hopes of achieving preferential satisfaction. However, here's the catch. Many times our needs are met and satisfied more than we realize. We just don't 'see', because we are waiting to recognize the manifestations of our personal preferences. Preferences that we have learned throughout the years, or have made up our minds of how things should and ought to be done. It's that mirror effect I mentioned last time.

In other words, one person in the relationship can believe that they are contributing in important areas, yet the other person is waiting for something else to happen. Inner tension arises when there is a difference gap between our expectations, and that which is actually occurring. It is not easy to understand for the other party if they feel generally satisfied.

This is a general complaint that can be heard from women. It is safe to say that many women entertain more detailed preferences, than their male counterparts. How this has come to be, is an entirely different matter and discussion. However, the point being that they become frustrated that their partners do not 'get it', and this makes them feel as if their partners do not really care. Yet, the partner is also an individual with their personal preferences, and what they do not 'get', is that there is a problem. And, so the bantering cycle continues until both feel unappreciated and unwanted, widening the chasm between them.

The path in these situations becomes a little treacherous at this point. If the two people in the relationship allow the development to continue, signals of contempt through various channels of communication, become the relationship norm and climate. The two individuals begin to figuratively hit each other over the head, in non-acceptance of each other's person. Women sometimes take it a step further, delving into possible reasons as to why their partner is the way that they are, and why they have such moronic preferences. A little funny there, however it really does happen. We love to analyze our intimate relationships. So, is it not just a bit cathartic to state the reality of it? As people continue their mental and emotional non-acceptance and rejection, they are in actuality attempting to soothe the same feelings of rejection within themselves.

People move from love and acceptance, to dissatisfaction over preferences not met, and onwards to their mirror cracking from rejection, distancing, and non-acceptance. From love to contempt.

I would like to emphasize at this point, that the inner turmoil felt as a result of this type of tension is not silly. Neither is it a laughing matter. It is to be taken seriously. What is felt is true inner conflict, and the emotions are very genuine. The emotions can also vary greatly from individual to individual. The inner turmoil can cause emotional rollercoasters, and some will even experience physical discomfort. Yet, it is important to remember that the conflict is internal, and through these eyes, the outer world also becomes colored as such.

This seems easy enough to understand, right? Then why do so many couples keep meandering down the same path travelled by so many others? It is because they do not know how to begin to repair the damage. They start at the wrong end, believing that throwing a little romance or whatever on top (at a time when they actually feel the least romantic) may spice it up. Most times it only functions as an aspirin, attempting to soothe the symptoms. All the while the cause escapes their awareness. Some begin 'talk-therapy', only to become discouraged that focus remains on that which isn't working. Some will attempt to create deals or contracts. A kind of give and take environment that comes crumbling down upon them at the first sign of a major crises. It is difficult to maintain.

So, what can be done for the couples in this group? Are these relationships doomed? No.

Since preferences belong to individuals, the work begins here. However, there is no quick fix, folks. It takes time, and it takes patience. It means taking each pillar of preference down for questioning, and examination. It means that the individual works at expanding their realms of preferences, and expanding sets of beliefs and attitudes. The positive aspect is that no matter the outcome of the relationship, the individual will always end up in a better place. That statement is for those that would ask, "what's in it for me" about the effort it requires.

It is like a fantastic journey. Through this work something begins to happen, and that is that we begin to notice that we increase the chances of experiencing satisfaction, contra tension. We begin to relax more, and we also become more interested in our partners in a different way. And, through new eyes. Lastly, it is an effort that initially can be started by one of the individuals in the relationship. With time the effects are many times amazing. In my book I dedicated a large section to this subject. People must show themselves kindness and compassion, as it is not always easy to let go of old habits.

This is a good start. A very good place to begin. At the same time, individuals can also work on the concept of acceptance. Everyone will be at various places along the line of acceptance, yet there is always room to take it to a new level.

When these types of difficulties creep and fester in a relationship, it is easy to convince ourselves that we no longer care about our partner or relationship. It is likewise just as easy to convince ourselves that questioning our preferences and expanding our awareness will erase our sense of "self". Neither are necessarily true. They are actually self-created myths.

I am by no means finished with this series. Patience is a good thing to practice, and serves an important purpose. It gives us time to think, and consider. Chew on these thoughts for a while.

©Tamera Daun

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