Tears, Crying & Health

Here are a few fun facts about tears and health from this month's Good Housekeeping (Dec.2009, pgs. 71-72).



1.) Animals, like humans, may cry in pain, but scientists say that we're apparently the only creatures who shed emotional tears-probably because they give us an evolutionary advantage. Tears are an unmistakable SOS, asking for comfort or assistance.

2.) Biochemist and neuroscientist William H. Frey II, Ph.D.'s study in St. Paul, Minnesota analyzed tear-data from 331 people. Sadness was the number one reason reported for crying (49%), followed by;

Happiness (21%)
Anger (10%)
Sympathy (7%)
Anxiety (5%)
Fear (4%)

3.) There are three types of tears, each with a different role. Basal tears flow constantly. They are a blend of oils, mucus, proteins and antibacterials. They keep the eyes healthy and lubricated, and protect the cornea from abrasions. Reflex tears automatically wash irritants out of your eyes like lashes and fumes from chopped onions. For this flushing job, they contain more water, and a lower percentage of oils and mucus than basal tears.

4.) The third type is labeled psychogenic tears, which are shed in response to emotional stress- perhaps, Frey suggests, to remove chemicals that build up under stress. His research shows that 85% of women and 73% of men feel better after crying.

5.) 6% of women say they never cry.

6.) 45% of men say they never cry.

7.) On an average we blink twelve times per minute to distribute tears.

8.) Women in the U.S. cry four times more often than men, according to Frey's research. Girls don't start out as crying champs -- boy and girl babies cry equivalent amounts-- but by the first or second grade, boys are beginning to cry less, probably in response to social pressure. "Being called a crybaby is more likely to happen to a boy," says Jonathan Rottenberg, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of South Florida. Researchers also suspect that hormones play a role, as does menstruation.

9.) Women also experience that their eyes become drier with age; also, hormone fluctuations in perimenopause and menopause can reduce the production of tears or change their composition.

10.) What if people feel that they can't stop crying, or are constantly tearing up (psychogenic tears)? If you are crying for no apparent reason, or more often than usual, it can be a sign of depression. Seek professional help.

11.) Treat crying (psychogenic tears) as a signal that you need to focus on a problem - and not just as an end in itself. If you attack the issue that started the tears flowing, you can move toward a solution. Delve into the reasons for your tears. That way, you'll come to better understand your feelings, and your crying will feel constructive.

12.) Two minutes is the average length of a happy cry.

13.) Seven minutes is the average length of a sad cry.

14.) C or C# is the key most U.S. infants cry in at birth.





Reference: Good Housekeeping, December 2009


Tamera Daun©




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Truths about Marriage

I began a quick series the other week about relationships, and it was kicked off by the post, Relationships and Conflict Resolution. What gets in the way? It's late in the evening, so allow me to throw in a quick post that is a little side-tracked from the original series, but still on the subject of relationships and marriage.

Racing through Norwegian newspapers the other day, I saw a reminder list for those whose knot is already tied, and a reality check for those about to waltz down the aisle. Marriage is marriage, and couples around the world deal with similar relationship issues. That stated, here are seven truths about marriage:

Remember;

1. One day you just might look at your partner and think, "Is this it? Is this everything?"
Even though you've chosen the right person and no matter how terrific they are, you may ask yourself this question at some point throughout a long lifetime of marriage. Relax, it's normal, and it tends to pass.

2. Relationships are more work than most people think.
It's pretty much impossible to agree about everything, so sometimes compromise means brushing the chip from the shoulder and swallowing some pride.

3. There WILL be a time when you go to bed angry.
The wise words 'don't ever go to bed angry at each other' just don't always work in reality. Sometimes sleeping on a problem or conflict helps in discovering solutions. Breathe deep.

4. Sometimes you may have to go without sex, and that's OK.
Periods without sex throughout a marriage are normal, and it doesn't mean your partner doesn't want you anymore. There may be other stress factors in the picture that will subside. Don't fall into the trap of the blaming game. Stay close with the physical touch of kissing, hugging, and other affection in the meantime. Stay in touch. Intimacy is an important key to successful relationships, and it is expressed in various forms. Phases like these will come and go.

5. Getting your own way is seldom more important than solving problems and issues together.
You may be used to always being right, but your partner may also be right. A discussion or argument doesn't need to end in someone being the winner. Life is usually not 'black-white'. Life's gray zones are larger than people think.

6. A good marriage doesn't mean that you never have an argument.
If you can discuss in a respectful manner, marriages can be strengthened through the trials of argument (see series about conflict resolution).

7. Work on personal attitudes.
Instead of becoming irritated about the small things, choose the middle-road. Thank them for doing the dishes instead of criticizing that they forgot to take out the garbage.



Resource: Nettavisen


Tamera Daun©




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Detrimental Relationship Patterns. Working toward resolution, Part 2

Flooding was discussed in general terms in part 1, Relationships/Marriage and Conflict Resolution. What gets in the way? I became so enthusiastic about the information, because it really does lend new hope for those that are feeling frustrated. Nothing in a relationship is doomed unless we wish it so, however it calls for a "can do" attitude. It calls for a decision to change things, and then the effort and practice to learn a new way of dealing within the relationship.

Sometimes couples get into "bad" habit. I state the word 'bad' with hesitation, because what is that really? Well, in these cases it is negativity. In the case of conflict resolution, they are those communication patterns and behaviors that perpetuate hurt between two people in a relationship. They don't work toward validation of both, and a positive way forward. They don't resolve.

It must also be stated that raising an issue for dialogue and/or, emotional/practical resolution is not considered 'negativity' per definition. Some may feel this way if they operate from a style that is 'avoidant' descriptive. From these shoes most things may feel 'threatening' to one's individuality, and from this perspective, understandably so. However, too much 'I-ness' can also threaten the foundation of a relationship if over-used. It can slowly slip over a vulnerable boundary moving from "I count in the equation of 'we'", to "I do whatever I want regardless of the effect, emotional or otherwise, it may have on you". The 'we' gets lost, but I don't believe that it has to stay that way.

The decision to do better can be made at any point, and there really is no excuse we can offer for not improving. Excuses are usually based in fear. It can feel scary. If couples sit on their established pedestals feeling that in deciding to do better and change to constructive habit, dismisses any experience of 'being right' at any point in the past, it will be difficult to take the challenge. But, it still needs to be done. I think that all adults have 'bouts' that are child-like. It kind of ends up like, "even though I know it will be good for the relationship to do or practice A or B, I don't have to, because I don't want to. And, no one can make me do it". Who hasn't felt that at some point in time? Neither is it difficult to see that it leads nowhere.

I know, I know. The thought of breaking cycles and patterns ain't easy. It feels uncomfortable. It can feel like a risk. An emotional risk, that is.

Put the fear and feelings of risk on the back burner for a while, and imagine the most positive picture you can conjure of how you would envision your relationship in the future in the most fantastic of ways. What would you see that describes 'successful'? Cooperation? emotional and physical intimacy? Respect? A sense of partnership and team? Which qualities would be present, and what do you want to see happening?

It is also important to identify that which does not help us on the way to a better relationship in terms of interaction. As stated, raising an issue or complaint is not the problem. It's not so much the what in these cases, but more the 'how' it is done.

John Gottman, the foremost expert in the field of relationships/marriage knows the 'how' as a result of many years of rigorous scientific study. The information I am writing about is based on the findings of his research and the books he has published to help people 'do better'.

Gottman (1994) shares with us the four warning signs (from least to most destructive) which should be weeded out of the relationship (pgs. 68-99):

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

The more they are used in the relationship the more imperative it is to start working to dismantle them. Well, it should be done no matter how stable they have become in the relationship.

What is the difference between complaint and criticism? Gottman (1994) informs us that, "a complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, or distress... A criticism is much less specific: it is more global. For example, "You never show any interest in me or my work. You just don't care about me". Other examples? Here's another one.

Complaint: "It upsets me when I came home and there were dirty dishes in the sink. You said you would take care of it".
Criticism: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen again! You promised you wouldn't. I just can't trust you, can I?" (pg. 76).

Furthermore, Gottman (1994) adds that, "being critical can begin innocently enough and is often the expression of pent-up, unresolved anger. It may be one of those natural self-destruct mechanisms inherent in all personal relationships. Problems occur when criticism becomes so pervasive- or one partner is so sensitive to it - that it corrodes" (pg. 77).

Research shows that both males and females utilize criticism, although at different points during interaction. It seems to be that this is a problem men have with their women. They feel that women are overly critical. At the same time, they may be very sensitive about complaints. However, complaints have the least detrimental effect, both on the longterm emotions of the individuals, and the relationship. Both genders (the parameters of their physiological reactions included here) handle them much better. When raising an issue, it is wise to keep it to a specific complaint. Necessary is also the ability to listen to each other to correctly recognize a complaint for a complaint, and not confuse a complaint for a criticism.

What fuels contempt is harboring negative thoughts about the partner. For example: your partner is stupid, incompetent or a fool. It often leads to name-calling, with the intent to insult, and this actually separates it from criticism. "Remember that it is easy to feel overly critical at times, even in the best of relationships, and it is human to state criticism in a contemptuous way now and then", but the effort should be focused on weeding and keeping it out of the relationship (Gottman, 1994, p. 83). Again, this seems to be utilized by both genders, and especially when one feels misunderstood, belittled, and a variety of other aspects depending on the individual.

Defensiveness sets in as a gut reflex, and it serves to self-protect from a perceived threat, and even though a threat may not exist.

"The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive- the "victim" doesn't see anything wrong with being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitude they express, tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything. If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are adding to your marital troubles" (Gottman, 1994, p. 85).

Becoming familiar with the signs of defensiveness in its various forms (Gottman, 1994, p. 85):

1. Denying responsibility (no matter what is brought up, one has had no responsibility or role)
2. Making excuses (it's always someone else's or something else's fault that forces one to act in a certain way).
3. Disagreeing with negative assumptions one's partner has about feelings, behavior, or motives. Instead of exploring why they feel what they feel, the gut reaction is defensiveness.
4. Cross-complaining. Meeting the partner's complaint or criticism with an immediate complaint/criticism, totally ignoring what the partner has said.
5. Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: Ah yes. It's the attitude from the playground, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you". In other words, in one swift move a person manages to not only defend themselves, but blames the partner.
6. Yes-Butting. The statements that start off agreeing, but end up disagreeing.
7. Repeating Yourself: Rather than attempting to understand the spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat back their own position. Both think they are right, and that trying to understand the other's perspective is a waste of time. It doesn't lead anywhere.
8. Whining: How things are said, usually in a high-pitched nasal tone, and stressing syllables.
9. Body Language: A false smile (corners of the mouth rise, but the eyes don't change), shifting body weight from side to side (as if avoiding a punch), and folding your arms across your chest. Sometimes women play with their neck as if they were wearing a necklace.

In the case of stonewalling, there seems to be a gender difference. Stonewalling often happens while a couple is talking. The stonewaller removes themself by turning into a stone wall, and they don't respond. Some don't react at all, and sometimes they will up and leave the room. "Stonewallers often claim that they are trying to be 'neutral' and not make things worse. They do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness" (Gottman, 1994, p. 85). This is a problem that women seem to have with their men, as 85% of stonewallers are male. Some have ingrained it as a pattern of reaction, and some are reacting to the flooding written about in the previous post.

Furthermore, it not only adds stress to the relationship, but also to the stonewallers themselves, and even though they believe it will calm them. Why? "even when they withdraw from an argument they are more likely to repeat negative thoughts that keep them riled up. Phrases such as; "I don't have to take this crap", "It's all her fault", or "I'll get back at her for this". Such inner scripts, whether of righteous indignation or innocent victimization, are clearly not self-soothing. Compared with a woman, it seems to be much harder for a man to relax his guard and say, "Honey, let's talk about it" (Gottman, 1994, p. 147).

High stress levels are maintained as a result of these inner scripts, and it takes them much longer to calm down, and for the adrenaline surges and blood pressure to decline back to normal. In addition, the amount of negativity that comes from this pattern can lead a female into dangerous silence. They begin to fear their partners. And, well..I really don't think this is what males honestly wish for their relationships.

Sigh, yikes, and ugh. In taking a really good look at these patterns, it seems apparent that they are child-like responses used as a result of lacking more adult skills in close intimate relationships. Yet, I doubt there's a person out there that hasn't utilized these patterns at some point in time, or even often.

The good news is that old learning can be replaced with more constructive and adult-like skills. One step at a time. In working on weeding out the old, success may not happen 100% all at once. As with most things, it's a process, and a work in progress. Yet, each little step helps! Each step is a brave and admirable step, and something to be proud of.

The first step is to make the decision to do it.

Then it is necessary to really think about all of the above stated, and honestly identify those patterns which one personally uses. This is called self-reflection. The danger here is people falling into a trap of, "Well, they (the other person) started this, that, or the other thing". That does not work, nor help. The truth is that at any point in time, each person has the power to change the direction, and even in the middle of a disagreement. Each person also has that responsibility.

The third is to push the fear aside, and engage and initiate even if it may feel unfair to have to be the first to move in a better direction. I think that many people wait for the other to begin, and then nothing happens. It may feel like a huge responsibility, but it is the adult thing to do, and it adds to positive integrity. The easiest thing is to initiate "nothing", because it feels safe.

Do not fear! We are not yet finished with this subject.

Stay tuned for the continuation.......




Tamera Daun©

Resource: Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed and fail. NY: Simon & Schuster.






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Relationships/Marriage and Conflict Resolution. What gets in the way?

My fingers have been itching to get this info out to anyone stopping by in search of knowledge about their relationship/marriage. The subject deals with resolving conflicts and issues that pop up along the way.

The following information is fantastic! It is a vital piece of knowledge that helps the puzzle fall into place. In order to succeed in something, we need to become knowledgeable about it. Only then can we see the way forward with clarity.

We all know that "issues" will be a part of marriage, so denial about this fact won't work. Two people cannot be the clone of the other, and this means that the two individuals in a relationship may differ in what is important to them. Part of loving another person is respecting who they are, even if you don't agree with everything that they do. These differences often bubble up as "issues". Being different is not a problem in itself. It is a good thing, because each person brings an array of strengths and capabilities to the relationship/marriage.

That which does seem to be a problem and cause of much frustration for countless couples, is that too many times it seems as though issues don't become resolved. Issues get repeatedly brought up, or people may feel that in worst case they get swallowed and treated with silence after repeated arguments about them. Sometimes they may lead to detrimental behavior. These situations create tension, and drives emotional and physical wedges between two people in the relationship.

It is also a fact that women are usually responsible for bringing issues to the table that need to be resolved. More often than not, they are things happening in the relationship that need to be improved. Thus, the age-old phenomenon of "talking things out". Women usually wish for opinions and feelings about any given issue to be calmly aired by both in an empathetic way, whereby contributing to solutions that both may suggest. The goal is usually to come to compromise or solutions that both feel are acceptable, which will lead to greater satisfaction for both, and improvement in the relationship.

The problem is that all too many couples never reach consensus. They never get through the process. Something else happens along the way, and the symptoms show up as common complaints about each other.

Men state: "She nags. I can never do anything right. Does she have to make an issue of every little thing? The only thing I receive is criticism, criticism, criticism".

Women state: "He doesn't care about me or the relationship. He refuses to talk about things that are not going well. He seems to want the relationship to fail. He never listens to me, and he doesn't even try to understand me. He is an emotionally cold person".

Now, most relationships can tolerate an issue or two not being resolved on the first couple of attempts, but if "non-resolution" begins to describe the couple's conflict resolution style as the status-quo, it's time to "do better".

How little girls and boys grow up to act and operate as social beings is well-known. So, men and women are quite different in how they deal in their life arenas. In general, women are 'talkers' and men are 'doers', albeit on an individual sliding scale, and existing exceptions. However, there is an important biological difference as well, and it greatly affects the process of resolving conflicts.

A couple of questions to the women out there. Have you ever been involved in a 'relationship/issue discussion' with your partner/spouse only to experience that they get up in the middle and walk away? Or, withdraw and refuse to speak? Or, that if they do discuss they are answering and talking in a different direction than your original concern, and you know best what that concern was about? Have you ever been told that you are making things up, or overreacting?

And, a couple of questions to the men out there. Have you ever felt overwhelmed by a surprise conversation started about a relationship issue? Have you ever felt angry or unfairly treated and tried to avoid harming the other? Have you ever emotionally/mentally/verbally withdrawn from an argument, so that it would stop? Have you ever thought that walking away from the situation would avoid conflict escalation, and in doing so, you thought it would help? Have you then ever experienced your partner coming after you even more upset?

The truth is that women do not intend to hurt their partners nor the relationship by bringing an issue to light. The truth is also that the male partner does care about his partner and the relationship. So, the following is the helpful piece of biological knowledge I mentioned.

Men have a sympathetic nervous system that is more sensitive than women, and it tends to overreact to a perceived threat or attack, even though it no longer comes from tigers and bears in our modern day living. This phenomenon is called "flooding", and the message that the brain receives in these situations is to react with the old "fight or flight" strategy. However, they may not be consciously aware of what is happening, except perhaps a sensation of feeling overwhelmed.

The above stated is a reaction to stress. So, if a woman has ever had a reaction to stress (and I know all have), this should be a point of empathy easily felt. When this happens, the heart action increases, and the blood pressure as well. The body prepares for 'fight or flight', and the condition is quite uncomfortable. During hot topic discussions between couples, a man's blood pressure not only rises, it does so quickly, and it maintains higher levels than a woman's. There is an increase of released adrenaline, and this makes it more difficult for a man to hear what his partner is actually expressing. The fact that men are socially conditioned to hold in their emotions only compounds the situation, and worsens their stress reaction. Furthermore, it takes longer for a man's condition to stabilize, after the fact.

It is important to note that some men are more sensitive and/or defensive than others. Defensiveness may also be a reaction to a relationship that has foregone a multitude of frequently occurring conflicts. They may also anticipate an argument coming (based on past unsuccessful attempts to resolve issues) by the look on their partner's upset face long before a word is uttered, and not hear the difference between a concern/complaint and a criticism. In other words, their stress reaction may already be bubbling, and they may withdraw before anything has started. They believe it will help the situation, and the success of the relationship.

Women also anticipating and stuck between the choice of 'another failure' and her loyalty to the marriage and its success (her version of a wish to help), may still choose to bring up an issue while fearing a negative outcome. This fear or anticipation may lead her to begin with a personal criticism, forgetting to keep to the less detrimental form of 'complaint' about something happening in the relationship.

Does this all seem messy? Well, in a way it is. But, it is also wonderful!

Why?

1. It takes the emotional hook out of the cycle. Couples experiencing this are far from alone, there is nothing wrong with either person in the relationship, and both believe they are 'caring'.

2. Something CAN be done about it.


Stay tuned for the continuation.....

Update: continuation of this series can be found here;
Detrimental Relationship Patterns. Working toward resolution.



Tamera Daun©



Resource: Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed and fail. NY: Simon & Schuster.

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