
Flooding was discussed in general terms in part 1, Relationships/Marriage and Conflict Resolution. What gets in the way? I became so enthusiastic about the information, because it really does lend new hope for those that are feeling frustrated. Nothing in a relationship is doomed unless we wish it so, however it calls for a "can do" attitude. It calls for a decision to change things, and then the effort and practice to learn a new way of dealing within the relationship.
Sometimes couples get into "bad" habit. I state the word 'bad' with hesitation, because what is that really? Well, in these cases it is negativity. In the case of conflict resolution, they are those communication patterns and behaviors that perpetuate hurt between two people in a relationship. They don't work toward validation of both, and a positive way forward. They don't resolve.
It must also be stated that raising an issue for dialogue and/or, emotional/practical resolution is not considered 'negativity' per definition. Some may feel this way if they operate from a style that is 'avoidant' descriptive. From these shoes most things may feel 'threatening' to one's individuality, and from this perspective, understandably so. However, too much 'I-ness' can also threaten the foundation of a relationship if over-used. It can slowly slip over a vulnerable boundary moving from "I count in the equation of 'we'", to "I do whatever I want regardless of the effect, emotional or otherwise, it may have on you". The 'we' gets lost, but I don't believe that it has to stay that way.
The decision to do better can be made at any point, and there really is no excuse we can offer for not improving. Excuses are usually based in fear. It can feel scary. If couples sit on their established pedestals feeling that in deciding to do better and change to constructive habit, dismisses any experience of 'being right' at any point in the past, it will be difficult to take the challenge. But, it still needs to be done. I think that all adults have 'bouts' that are child-like. It kind of ends up like, "even though I know it will be good for the relationship to do or practice A or B, I don't have to, because I don't want to. And, no one can make me do it". Who hasn't felt that at some point in time? Neither is it difficult to see that it leads nowhere.
I know, I know. The thought of breaking cycles and patterns ain't easy. It feels uncomfortable. It can feel like a risk. An emotional risk, that is.
Put the fear and feelings of risk on the back burner for a while, and imagine the most positive picture you can conjure of how you would envision your relationship in the future in the most fantastic of ways. What would you see that describes 'successful'? Cooperation? emotional and physical intimacy? Respect? A sense of partnership and team? Which qualities would be present, and what do you want to see happening?
It is also important to identify that which does not help us on the way to a better relationship in terms of interaction. As stated, raising an issue or complaint is not the problem. It's not so much the what in these cases, but more the 'how' it is done.
John Gottman, the foremost expert in the field of relationships/marriage knows the 'how' as a result of many years of rigorous scientific study. The information I am writing about is based on the findings of his research and the books he has published to help people 'do better'.
Gottman (1994) shares with us the four warning signs (from least to most destructive) which should be weeded out of the relationship (pgs. 68-99):
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling
The more they are used in the relationship the more imperative it is to start working to dismantle them. Well, it should be done no matter how stable they have become in the relationship.
What is the difference between complaint and criticism? Gottman (1994) informs us that, "a complaint is a specific statement of anger, displeasure, or distress... A criticism is much less specific: it is more global. For example, "You never show any interest in me or my work. You just don't care about me". Other examples? Here's another one.
Complaint: "It upsets me when I came home and there were dirty dishes in the sink. You said you would take care of it".
Criticism: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen again! You promised you wouldn't. I just can't trust you, can I?" (pg. 76).
Furthermore, Gottman (1994) adds that, "being critical can begin innocently enough and is often the expression of pent-up, unresolved anger. It may be one of those natural self-destruct mechanisms inherent in all personal relationships. Problems occur when criticism becomes so pervasive- or one partner is so sensitive to it - that it corrodes" (pg. 77).
Research shows that both males and females utilize criticism, although at different points during interaction. It seems to be that this is a problem men have with their women. They feel that women are overly critical. At the same time, they may be very sensitive about complaints. However, complaints have the least detrimental effect, both on the longterm emotions of the individuals, and the relationship. Both genders (the parameters of their physiological reactions included here) handle them much better. When raising an issue, it is wise to keep it to a specific complaint. Necessary is also the ability to listen to each other to correctly recognize a complaint for a complaint, and not confuse a complaint for a criticism.
What fuels contempt is harboring negative thoughts about the partner. For example: your partner is stupid, incompetent or a fool. It often leads to name-calling, with the intent to insult, and this actually separates it from criticism. "Remember that it is easy to feel overly critical at times, even in the best of relationships, and it is human to state criticism in a contemptuous way now and then", but the effort should be focused on weeding and keeping it out of the relationship (Gottman, 1994, p. 83). Again, this seems to be utilized by both genders, and especially when one feels misunderstood, belittled, and a variety of other aspects depending on the individual.
Defensiveness sets in as a gut reflex, and it serves to self-protect from a perceived threat, and even though a threat may not exist.
"The fact that defensiveness is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged is one reason it is so destructive- the "victim" doesn't see anything wrong with being defensive. But defensive phrases, and the attitude they express, tend to escalate a conflict rather than resolve anything. If you are being defensive (even if you feel completely righteous in your stance), you are adding to your marital troubles" (Gottman, 1994, p. 85).
Becoming familiar with the signs of defensiveness in its various forms (Gottman, 1994, p. 85):
1. Denying responsibility (no matter what is brought up, one has had no responsibility or role)
2. Making excuses (it's always someone else's or something else's fault that forces one to act in a certain way).
3. Disagreeing with negative assumptions one's partner has about feelings, behavior, or motives. Instead of exploring why they feel what they feel, the gut reaction is defensiveness.
4. Cross-complaining. Meeting the partner's complaint or criticism with an immediate complaint/criticism, totally ignoring what the partner has said.
5. Rubber Man/Rubber Woman: Ah yes. It's the attitude from the playground, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you". In other words, in one swift move a person manages to not only defend themselves, but blames the partner.
6. Yes-Butting. The statements that start off agreeing, but end up disagreeing.
7. Repeating Yourself: Rather than attempting to understand the spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat back their own position. Both think they are right, and that trying to understand the other's perspective is a waste of time. It doesn't lead anywhere.
8. Whining: How things are said, usually in a high-pitched nasal tone, and stressing syllables.
9. Body Language: A false smile (corners of the mouth rise, but the eyes don't change), shifting body weight from side to side (as if avoiding a punch), and folding your arms across your chest. Sometimes women play with their neck as if they were wearing a necklace.
In the case of stonewalling, there seems to be a gender difference. Stonewalling often happens while a couple is talking. The stonewaller removes themself by turning into a stone wall, and they don't respond. Some don't react at all, and sometimes they will up and leave the room. "Stonewallers often claim that they are trying to be 'neutral' and not make things worse. They do not seem to realize that stonewalling itself is a very powerful act: it conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness"
(Gottman, 1994, p. 85). This is a problem that women seem to have with their men, as 85% of stonewallers are male. Some have ingrained it as a pattern of reaction, and some are reacting to the flooding written about in the previous post.
Furthermore, it not only adds stress to the relationship, but also to the stonewallers themselves, and even though they believe it will calm them. Why? "even when they withdraw from an argument they are more likely to repeat negative thoughts that keep them riled up. Phrases such as; "I don't have to take this crap", "It's all her fault", or "I'll get back at her for this". Such inner scripts, whether of righteous indignation or innocent victimization, are clearly not self-soothing. Compared with a woman, it seems to be much harder for a man to relax his guard and say, "Honey, let's talk about it"
(Gottman, 1994, p. 147).
High stress levels are maintained as a result of these inner scripts, and it takes them much longer to calm down, and for the adrenaline surges and blood pressure to decline back to normal. In addition, the amount of negativity that comes from this pattern can lead a female into dangerous silence. They begin to fear their partners. And, well..I really don't think this is what males honestly wish for their relationships.
Sigh, yikes, and ugh. In taking a really good look at these patterns, it seems apparent that they are child-like responses used as a result of lacking more adult skills in close intimate relationships. Yet, I doubt there's a person out there that hasn't utilized these patterns at some point in time, or even often.
The good news is that old learning can be replaced with more constructive and adult-like skills. One step at a time. In working on weeding out the old, success may not happen 100% all at once. As with most things, it's a process, and a work in progress. Yet, each little step helps! Each step is a brave and admirable step, and something to be proud of.
The first step is to make the decision to do it.
Then it is necessary to really think about all of the above stated, and honestly identify those patterns which one personally uses. This is called self-reflection. The danger here is people falling into a trap of, "Well, they (the other person) started this, that, or the other thing". That does not work, nor help. The truth is that at any point in time, each person has the power to change the direction, and even in the middle of a disagreement. Each person also has that responsibility.
The third is to push the fear aside, and engage and initiate even if it may feel unfair to have to be the first to move in a better direction. I think that many people wait for the other to begin, and then nothing happens. It may feel like a huge responsibility, but it is the adult thing to do, and it adds to positive integrity. The easiest thing is to initiate "nothing", because it feels safe.
Do not fear! We are not yet finished with this subject.
Stay tuned for the continuation.......
Tamera Daun©
Resource: Gottman, J. (1994). Why marriages succeed and fail. NY: Simon & Schuster..